What was the post you ask? A new friend who I only met through one.....yada yada yada. Anywho, Shailesh post this graphic .......
Well no wonder I am wide awake at 1:17 am ( the time of writing this sentence - LOL). Someone is dreaming about me? Really? I never thought about it like that. I wonder....NAH...I am out of George Clooney's league...hahaha. But seriously, I could help but think of who it might be or could be.The thought hit me like a barrel of bricks being dropped out of a second story window. Really? I questioned God. Ok...time for a re-cap. Last Thursday, I met a nice guy off an online date site. For the purpose to protect identities of the innocent, I am not posting the web site's link or his real name. Ok back to the story, that night, we met and watched a movie. He was a gentleman and didn't give me reason to raise a red flag. We had an instant sexual attraction. It was like we had been friends for so long and it was time to move to the next level. Yes you guessed it, that level would be sex. I know, CALM DOWN AND FINISH READING! I had already put my foot down about sex and where it belonged - IN THE MARRIAGE and NOT BEFORE. He said ok but one could tell that he wasn't going to stick to that program. (Oh she doesn't mean it, let her think she has the upper hand, and a little alcohol later, she won't be able to keep her hands off me). Little did he know how stubborn and mule-headed I had become since my divorce. The number one issue was I HAD REDEDICATED MY LIFE TO GOD! I was not about to throw away the TRUE LOVE I had longed to find. I had spent 16 years enslaved by alcohol and sex. To me sex equaled love. And boy did I find "love" in so many WRONG places! Scary fact by the time I was 32, I had slept with over 100 guys and that was just the ones I could remember. Right there is proof in my life that God was watching over me. So many things could have gone wrong, and I THANK GOD nothing did, EACH TIME I THINK ABOUT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE.
Ok, back to new guy who we are going to call Peter. Peter tried and would have succeeded with the old me. New Me was determined not to cross that line as long as She was in control of her body (no drugs, alcohol, etc). And New Me was able to get things back to a controlled nature. New Me would be lying if she said she felt nothing. She felt fireworks, the earth move, etc but SHE KNEW THE PAIN SHE WOULD FEEL IF SHE FELL TO THIS DESIRE. The pain of letting down her Heavenly Father with who she had just begun to re-kindle their relationship. It took me back to the pain of each time before when sex had brought me nothing but heart ache and pain. I couldn't live that way AGAIN - so the New Me prayed for forgiveness and picked herself up and dusted off. OH NO, LOOK OUT - here comes a MELTDOWN! Yes you guessed it! FEARs were developing. How do I tell him that I still like him but we went too far? He is going to get mad and never want to speak to me again. I can't lose a friend, someone to talk to, someone who made me feel alive just by talking to me. I just couldn't go through the hurt again. FATHER GOD, PLEASE HELP ME! Calm down, SHARON! OK - BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT! You have to find your voice and tell him the TRUTH! Tell him WHAT? He will laugh at me even more because He already thinks I am 19 because of the no sex until married limit! He thinks that I am a joke because it is obvious that I want the release as much as he does if not more but I see the risk I am taking and where it will put me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I can't risk it, it is too high a price! NO it isn't the PRICE Jesus paid for my SINS but it would make it all fruitless words. I AM NOT JUST PROVIDING A LIP SERVICE TO GOD! HE is my ALL in ALL! My life is not my own! So Friday, I can't come over and watch movies because.......Mom and Dad were not doing good and I had to make sure they were ok. Sure that's about as lame as I have to wash my hair. So I went and talked to MOM. She was like I understand and it can't be all about SEX, You have been down that road before. That night Mom and Dad had decided to go to Texas to deliver puppies to my cousin since they were getting to be handfuls. Dad asked if I would like to go. Let me see....Stay home alone and be tempted to go see Peter or go with Mom and not have to worry with coming up with an excuse not to see him. Yeah that worked like a lead balloon. It went no where but straight down! So I spent the day talking to Mom and playing with the puppies until we got to my Aunt's and then I played on my iPad and some more with the puppies until my cousin came home from work. At this time, we loaded up and went to dinner. I had been thinking about Peter all day long. I hoped he was ok and wasn't upset with me. I finally got the courage to text him this WAR & PEACE book of a message that went along the lines of I am happy with my relationship with God. It is growing daily as I depend on HIM. I almost messed it up when WE went further than we should have during the introduction phase. "Can WE make this work by not tempting each other - therefore by not being alone with each other, no more than kissing above the neck and hugging, no more wandering hands above or under clothes?" "You want me as much as I want you" "Yes but you aren't listening! I WILL NOT, CANNOT, SHALL NOT GO BACK TO WHO I WAS!" I am not longer that person, she was a mask to only show what I wanted people to see. She was who I thought I was but God has shown me the REAL ME and I like the REAL ME! This battle of I want you and you want me, no matter what the words are coming out of your mouth, YOUR BODY IS BETRAYING YOU! DEEP BREATHE, quick pray - HELP ME!
Peter called - quick what do I do - ANSWER THE PHONE! Are you serious, God? REALLY? Ok....I get an earful of you can't say your a Christian and not feel what you feel, because it is a sin and because of the differences in our religions - WHOA, HOLD UP, Let's back this whole train up! Don't call me and start trying to play Holy better than thou because it isn't going to work! No matter what RELIGION! We are all on the same field - LOOKING FOR GOD'S LOVE, APPROVAL, ACCEPTANCE of who we really are. RELIGION has nothing to do with any of that. As a matter of fact, I think RELIGION makes it difficult. STRIP it down to the bare bones! #1 - Do you believe in God, the FATHER, the SON, and the HOLY SPIRIT? Check! #2 - Do you believe God sent HIS ONLY SON to DIE for OUR SINS? Check! #3- Do you know that God is the ONLY answer to a FREE life no matter what your bondage is? CHECK! Then what is the BIG DEAL with all these other restrictions that SOME MAN said YOU had to BELIEVE in and FOLLOW or GOD was THROUGH with you? REALLY!?!? I DON'T THINK SO! God is not into fancy schmancy rules that keep YOU HOOPING THROUGH RINGS OF FIRE in order to LOVE HIM. "He just wants your extra time and your......LOVE" (I know that isn't the word that goes there but it now).
Peter tried to get me to see that my way of thinking was wrong and that you could become a CHRISTIAN by asking Christ into your life but until you are BAPTIZED "in the blood", you are DOOMED AND GOING TO HELL! So why bother with limits and boundaries and such? You are not better than PAUL, or PETER, and since JESUS died, unless you are re-baptized, you are SOL. I don't know about you but that isn't the GOOD NEWS I learned about. God is HELL FIRE and BRIM STONE but God is also LOVE, PEACE, JOY, STRENGTH, COURAGE, MERCY, RIGHTEOUSNESS! That is why I smile even when my heart is breaking. That is why I can sit here and write on this blog exactly what I feel and what is going on in my life. IT IS BECAUSE OF GOD and HIS AMAZING LOVE for me. I am nothing with HIM!
So the limits and boundaries - YES- they immediately went up on my dating profile. Do I care if it causes people to pass me by, no not really, because I am standing up for what I believe. I am being honest with myself as well as with others. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE! Yes I am still attracted to Peter. No I haven't been over to see him since I have been back from Texas. WHY - the lack of respect and the power of temptation - I know that I am not strong enough to face it alone. Yes GOD IS WITH ME but if you walk into the lion's den intentionally, you are going to get hurt. Maybe not as much as if God wasn't on your side but it will still hurt! If you are thrown to the lion's by the ADVERSARY, God will protect you.
So walk on, my child, walk on! I pray that you find some wisdom in my my stories to help you see through your storms. I am still in the middle of a storm and the water is getting choppy again. FATHER I NEED YOU NOW!
i am second
HE>i
Love you more than you will ever know!
Sharon
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